


Baby steps

by Evil_Keshi



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Children, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 23:57:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18041525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evil_Keshi/pseuds/Evil_Keshi
Summary: They were shopping for Madzie's Christmas gifts when it hit Alec. The thought came like an epiphany, a revelation, but it lacked the shock and the surprise he would have expected to follow suit.He wanted a family with Magnus.





	Baby steps

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I'm taking a break from writing a longer, angstier story that should come soon so here, have some feels as Alec and Magnus discuss their future. I tagged this canon divergent since show!Malec is nowhere close to have children and this story is set a few years in the future. Enjoy!

  


They were shopping for Madzie's Christmas gifts when it hit Alec. The thought came like an epiphany, a revelation, but it lacked the shock and the surprise he would have expected to follow suit. Instead, Alec remained calm as he stared at his unsuspecting boyfriend with a soft smile, glad to realise that this felt like a natural progression and the next logical step in their relationship.

He wanted a family with Magnus.

A child to cherish with him, to raise up hand in hand, to shower with love and give a good life to. To hear a giggly voice call Magnus _dad_ or _papa_ , to see him open his arms wide to catch and spin a child whose face he could not yet distinguish in his imagination but whom he already knew he would care for and love with his whole heart.

What prompted his mind to click was Magnus himself, actually, standing in front of a shoe display rack at the mall, where they had already spent a few hours navigating shops and boutiques in order to spoil their niece for Christmas. When Magnus had woken him up with a quick kiss that morning, reminding him that they should make the most of his day-off far from the responsibilities of the Institute, a trip to the mall had not been what Alec had in mind...

Although he'd quit being grumpy as soon as Magnus had mentioned the hot chocolates and waffles they could get for breakfast on their way. Besides, he had been quite eager to accomplish their mission of finding presents for their niece, dragging Magnus to toy stores with the same enthusiasm Madzie would have shown if she had been there with them.

So there they were, a couple hours and half a dozen bags hanging from their arms later, and now Magnus was holding a pair of small shoes with a thoughtful look in his eyes... Alec melted, overwhelmed with the sudden possibilities the sight summoned within his mind. The twin shoes resting on the palm of Magnus' hand were made of supple leather and they were so tiny that Alec could have fit the pair in his fist while squeezing them only a little. Those were baby shoes, small and cute and awaking inside Alec's chest emotions that he'd had no clue he could experience before.

The thought of putting them delicately on his baby's soft feet, tickling them to hear a beautiful giggle, and holding tiny fingers to help his child take the first clumsy steps in life made him blink to keep his eyes dry. The corners of his eyelids were prickling though and suddenly, Magnus turned his head to ask his opinion on the shoes and frowned when he caught Alec rubbing his eyes.

"They're a bit small," the Shadowhunter pointed out before Magnus could say anything, hoping he wouldn't notice the wet brightness in his gaze.

"Are you alright?" Magnus asked in a heartbeat, completely ignoring his boyfriend's statement.

Ah. So much for playing it cool.

"Yes," Alec answered with an attempted smile, "I just got something in my eye."

As much as he wanted to know Magnus' thoughts about children, a morning at the mall wasn't the right time nor place to tell him about his wish to start a family. He would rather fake a dust attack.

Suddenly, all he could think about was going back home to Magnus' loft, their loft, and cuddle his boyfriend on the couch to set a relaxed mood for the topic he wanted to broach. He was so impatient now that he could barely hide his excitement, which Magnus obviously noticed. Eyebrows high, he put the shoes back on the rack and fully turned.

"Spill," he said.

"What?" Alec squeaked, far from convincing in his pseudo-innocence.

"You have something to say, it's written all over your pretty face," Magnus answered with a chuckle and a caress on his cheek.

Uh. Magnus knew him too well.

"Not here," Alec said in lieu of explaining himself - like he knew his boyfriend would have wanted him to - and he straightened, gesturing at their surroundings and the people shopping for shoes like them. "Those things are better discussed home and just with the two of us."

Magnus eyed him suspiciously, staring, assessing whether the upcoming conversation would be a bad or a good one. Alec smiled, which seemed to be all his boyfriend needed to conclude that he had nothing to fear, and Magnus took his hand.

"Okay," he breathed out, "Let's go home."

  


  


Portals had not made Alec sick in a long time but on this day, as he stumbled into their living-room still clenching Magnus' hand so hard that his knuckles turned white, he felt a bit dizzy and breathless. It had less to do with the Warlocks' preferred way of travel than the sudden anxiety bubbling inside him because of a point he had not considered before... What if Magnus said no?

This was a possibility, of course. Magnus loved Madzie but she wasn't theirs and loving children didn't equal to being ready to have their own. If Magnus didn't want to become a father, Alec would... Well. He would understand. Some people never wanted kids, no matter how often they were told that time would change their mind. Alec would never blame or shame Magnus for not wanting a child but accepting his decision would be harder. Accepting that _he_ would not be a father either - and he wouldn't, not without Magnus - would take a while.

"So," Magnus pointed out, "we're home."

"Yes," Alec said, his heart up in his throat. "Yes."

Magnus' eyes narrowed at the sudden change in the Shadowhunter's demeanour and he gestured wordlessly at the shopping bags, that disappeared from their hands in an instant. Alec chuckled when he heard noise in the guest room, which meant that the gifts were rearranging themselves into one of the wardrobes to be dealt with later on. For now, Magnus' whole attention was on him.

As well as his hands, as it turned out, for the Warlock gently unbuttoned Alec's grey coat and helped him take it off, before he massaged his boyfriend's tense shoulders.

"What's wrong?" he asked, full of solicitude and kindness, as usual when he could tell that Alec was worried or upset.

"Nothing," the younger man answered, although with one disbelieving look from Magnus, he quickly amended, " _Not_ nothing. I'm nervous. I have something to ask you and... I don't really know how you will react."

"Only one way to know," Magnus said, sounding a bit worried as well by now, "Ask away, pup."

The nickname had the expected effect as Alec snorted, relaxing underneath Magnus' fingers.

"What did we once say about _pup_?" he grumbled.

"Not to make it a thing," Magnus admitted with a cheeky smile. "Come, love. Sit down."

As he entwined their fingers of both hands, Alec let his boyfriend lead him backwards to the couch before he was gently pushed down onto the cushions. Magnus followed, climbing up and squeezing himself between Alec's back and the back of the couch, wrapping his arms around his Shadowhunter's waist and smiling as Alec slightly leaned against his chest with a content sigh. He kissed his cheek, his jaw, his neck, smiling against the tattooed skin when Alec finally let go, sinking into his embrace.

Magnus had no idea what his boyfriend wanted to talk about but he could see his anxiety, hence the gentle cuddling and soft kisses. Alec would never say a thing if he didn't feel comfortable enough to do so... But Magnus was there for him, patient and in love, caressing his hair and surrounding him with his warmth.

"I love you," Alec whispered, tilting his head back to see Magnus upside down, his Adam's apple bobbing with the words.

 _Good start_ , Magnus thought with a smirk as he stretched to kiss Alec's forehead. He still didn't know what was eating at him but at least, he got him to talk. The Shadowhunter would get to the main point soon, Magnus was certain of it, so he reined in his curiosity: it wouldn't help to push, he only had to wait for Alec to find the right words. He knew that moment had come when his boyfriend sat up and twisted to face him, in a position that couldn't be good for his back.

"I love you," Alec repeated as if to give himself courage, "and you love me and we've been together for four years now and I was thinking... I thought maybe we could take the next step."

Magnus would have laughed at Alec's wording, so similar to the one he'd used years ago to ask for his first night with him, had he not been so surprised.

"Are you... proposing?" he asked with hesitation, not sure that he was reading the situation right.

As much as Alec could be shy sometimes, Magnus knew him to be a romantic who wasn't afraid to show and express his feelings for him, so if he had to imagine how Alec would ask him to become his husband, he'd expect some grand gesture, not just... popping the question while lounging on the couch. Given his crestfallen face though, Magnus wasn't sure that proposing was what Alec had been trying to do. Then... What did he mean?

"No," the Shadowhunter confirmed his boyfriend's thought in a whisper, flustered. "I'm not... proposing. Crap, should I be? Are we supposed to do that first? Oh, I'm such an idiot!"

"Alec, slow down," Magnus told him, not understanding anything anymore as he rested his hands on the taller man's shoulders, trying to ground him. "What are you talking about? What should we be supposed to do _after_ getting married?"

Alec didn't answer for a while, biting his lips as his hands fumbled for one of the cushions that he brought to his chest like a shield, his vulnerability showing in the light shaking of his fingers as they pulled the fabric tight.

"It's just..." he said, his tongue feeling heavy in his mouth as he looked down, "I saw you with these small shoes earlier and I thought... Magnus, I want a family with you."

Alec felt Magnus freeze more than he saw him. He forced himself not to react to that, unable to tell whether his boyfriend was surprised in a bad or in a good way - or shocked or scared or distressed or every other negative emotion he could think of. Negative, because there was no explanation to the way Magnus swallowed, his eyes growing distant, other than a refusal.

Alec blinked when Magnus' face turned into a blur. He wouldn't cry. Not now, at least. His declaration had obviously upset his lover and he would deal with that first. He would... mourn any potential fatherhood later, when Magnus wouldn't see him, because he didn't want his boyfriend to think that he'd hurt him by expressing his own feelings on the matter. _Forget it_ , he wanted to say. How could he, though? Magnus had heard him and it was too late to take his words back, especially when they held nothing but the truth.

There was no way his boyfriend would ignore such a world-shattering statement, he realised, which meant no possibility for Alec to handle his hurt feelings alone. They had to talk about this like responsible adults, didn't they? If, in the end, Magnus didn't share his dream... It wouldn't change their love. They would be okay. They had to, even though Alec couldn't foresee how they would manage it, since he didn't even know how to start the conversation between them right now. Except for Catarina and Raphael, he was the one who knew Magnus best and yet, he was unable to read his expression and interpret its meaning. He had no idea where to begin.

"Alexander," Magnus uttered first, "you want... you want to adopt a child? With me?"

Alec nodded, almost dejectedly now, and he saw Magnus' eyes widen with sudden awareness, as if he hadn't quite understood the first time.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes," Alec admitted. "Only if you want to. If not, I... I would understand."

His voice broke, which was probably not the best proof he could have given to Magnus about his understanding, but he couldn't control it. If he tried, it would only make him cry and... That would be even worse.

"No," Magnus said, raising his eyes, "No, no, no, Alec, don't do that. Don't pretend you'd be fine with it just so I don't feel guilty or bad. It's..."

Magnus took a deep, calming breath and suddenly, Alec started to hope. _This_ was an expression he knew, the wonder in Magnus' eyes at the realisation that Alec loved him more than he could sometimes say, more than he sometimes thought he deserved to be loved, and Alec took Magnus' fingers in his joined hands, holding him, waiting for him to swallow the lump of emotion in his throat.

"I would love to," Magnus whispered once he was certain he wouldn't cry, "Really, it's... It's not like I've never thought about it but... Alexander, are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Why not?" Alec answered, bringing Magnus' hands to his lips. "I know we lead a dangerous life but... You're powerful and I'm the Head of the Institute, meaning I'm less often working in the field than I used to. I'm not going to die and make a single father out of you. We have stable situations, a stable relationship... We love each other. I think we have enough love for a child as well... No?"

"Yes," Magnus said with a hasty nod, before a fast string of words crossed his lips. "Can you change a diaper, though? Do you think the loft is big enough to accommodate a child? What if our baby cries at night and we can't do anything to help? And once they start walking we'll turn into puppies following them everywhere to prevent all hell from breaking loose! This means no more time and intimacy for us, since we'll be elbow deep into baby powder and baby milk and baby stuff and..."

Alec allowed Magnus to ramble on for a little longer, biting his lower lip to hold back a fond smile as his boyfriend kept going on and on about details that even he didn't really care about, not right now. Soon, Alec cupped his face and interrupted the endless stream of his words with a deep but gentle kiss. It was effective, for when he pulled back, Magnus looked like he didn't know how to speak anymore. Then Alec saw the unmasked fear in the golden eyes, the apprehension that Magnus had tried to hide behind unjustified issues.

"Magnus," he whispered against his lover's lips, soft and shiny like an oath for more kisses to come, "What are you really afraid of?"

The Warlock looked down, then pressed his forehead against Alec's shoulder. He shivered when long hands, used to handle weapons like arrows without hesitation, stroke his back at a calming pace, even as Magnus closed his eyes and buried his face into Alec's neck. It was easier to admit his fear when he was not so exposed to the Shadowhunter's scrutiny.

"What if..." he murmured, "What if I'm not a good father?"

Alec's heart broke. Suddenly, he was able to understand the fear kindled in Magnus' mind and he pressed his boyfriend's shoulders back gently, just enough to meet his eyes. Magnus seldom talked about it for all the bad memories and the guilt it stirred when he did but Alec _knew_. His childhood with Asmodeus had left a terrible mark on his lover, one Magnus sometimes tried to pretend didn't exist... Yet there it was, in his teary eyes as he fathomed the possibility of acting like his own father.

"Magnus," Alec whispered, flashing his lover a comforting smile when he looked at him. "You are the furthest thing from a Greater Demon. You know that."

"Yes," Magnus admitted, "but the way he raised me..."

"...didn't keep you from being a wonderful man," Alec concluded firmly. "You are not your dad, just as I am not mine, thankfully."

Magnus let out a weak chuckle, part laughter and part sob, that prompted Alec to hug him and hold onto him tighter, conveying all the love he felt for him as a whole, past and everything, through the strength of his arms around his chest.

"How can you be so confident about this?" Magnus asked after a while, soft against his ear. "We have zero experience."

"Don't all first-time parents do?" Alec laughed. "Magnus, you don't become a father overnight. You try, you make mistakes, you learn from them. We could do that, together, if you want to."

"I do," Magnus answered, blinking, teary pearls catching onto his eyelashes, "but... Are _you_ really certain that you want this, with me?"

Alec raised his head, disentangling himself from Magnus only slightly, before he pushed his chin up, pecked his lips and then, stared at him. How the Warlock could doubt himself so much was beyond him sometimes but damn him if he wasn't there to remind Magnus, every day, of how much he deserved to be happy and cherished.

"When I look into the eyes of the man I love," Alec told him, "I see everything I would want my child's father to be. It's you, Magnus, it's never going to be anyone else."

The older man shook his head in happy disbelief, a small smile on his lips.

"Sometimes, Alexander, you seem otherworldly to me."

"Big words," Alec commented with a chuckle as he took Magnus' hand and laid it on his chest, across his heart, "but I'm right here with you."

"I know," Magnus told him, "and I love you. You and your sincerity and the family we will have."

"So it's a yes?" Alec asked, just to be sure, unable to keep the delighted grin off his face when the Warlock nodded with a bright smile, albeit tearful. "I can't wait to hear our kid call you _papa_."

Magnus groaned.

"Please," he begged, "don't make me cry again."

Alec laughed and reached for Magnus, drawing him in as he lay back on the couch, determined to kiss him silly. His boyfriend was all too happy to oblige and they giggled like idiots when their noses bumped in their unsynchronised hurry, hands joining and fingers meeting as they held onto each other, their kisses feeling like a promise.

A promise of tickle fights and bedtime stories, baby proofing and diaper emergencies, sleepless nights, hugs and toothless smiles, and Alec couldn't wait.

  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading until the end! Feel free to leave a comment and/or share your thoughts on Twitter (I'm @evilkeshi). Thanks again! :)


End file.
